The Phone

The Phone

This adventure begins at a house party and ends in a strip club parking lot.

                Hosting a rager at my house started out relatively calm with a killer beer pong tournament and a couple handles of tequila. Once everyone was well toasted an idea was brought up in jest.

                “We should go to a strip club.” John said not loud enough to be declared an announcement, but it did spur on Donny who had heard the statement, and quickly yelled “Fuck yea we should go to a strip club!”

Now the whole group was aware of what seemed like a promising idea and with the brain power of eight drunks, we managed to call up two taxis. Within minutes of arriving at the club two were down for the count, laying their heads on the table in defeat. No more than ten minutes in, half the group was prepared to leave behind the strippers we rapidly annoyed, so another cab was requested.

Waiting outside with our two semi-conscious friends sitting on the curb, my buddy Louis and I had thought the uneventful night was over. Suddenly a flustered stripper and what was supposed to be an intimidating bouncer come out and began yelling at the group, with claims that Louis had stolen the strippers’ phone. Despite their inebriation, the two buddies who should be fast asleep were renewed with a surge of energy and began to argue on Louis’ behalf. After a tense 10 minutes, that in our minds sounded like a court case out of Law and Order, but was likely incoherent rambling, the stripper and the ‘security’ acquitted us of all charges and left us in the parking lot.

Happy that the situation did not escalate into violence we began laughing about what had just transpired. When it calmed down, Louis pulled out the stolen phone with a big grin, confessing he thought it was our friend’s phone but didn’t want to admit the stripper was right. He walked back in the club and told the cover charge employee that he found the phone in the parking lot and believes it belonged to the stripper who just walked in.

God damn it Louis.

James Crumley

Churchill

Buttface

Buttface



The elegant game of Buttface is as classy as its name implies and as fancy as the drinks required to play. I picked up this game in the early days of my drinking and it is still a group favorite.

Items Required

·         40oz Bottles of Malt Liquor

·         Quarter (multiples preferred)

·         Sunglasses

·         A table

·         Irresponsible friends

Rules

Players are spaced evenly around the table

Each player places their 40 in front of them on the table

A player will spin a quarter in the center of the table and call out the name of another player at the table

While the quarter is still spinning, the player who was called out will attempt to smack the quarter at another players bottle.

All Players who are not called out to smack are allowed to defend their bottle with the back of one hand as soon as the player smacking is called out

If the quarter makes contact with a player’s bottle, that player becomes Buttface and must don the sunglasses making defense that much more difficult. Buttface also must drink whenever commanded and may be asked to drink their bottle at “90 degrees” until told to stop.

If Buttface’s bottle is hit by the quarter 7 times in a row they are ‘skunked’, house rules determine the punishment.

Sub Rules

Spinners rotate only when a bottle is hit, whether it’s the same Buttface or a new one

Spinners become Buttface if they fail three attempts to spin in a row

If a quarter hits a players bottle, ricochets off of it and hits another players botte, Buttface is whoever’s bottle was last hit before being stopped

 

Refilling the Pitcher

Refilling the Pitcher

                Celebrating a birthday of my friend Harry back in college, we gathered a small group together and went to a local bar. Nothing out of the usual for a birthday within our group, we quickly loaded up on cheap shots and then began to relax on beer. Once a couple of pitchers had been devoured I look across the booth at my other friend Dusty. He was making a particularly odd face, and when he made eye contact with me he gave me a creepy look which enhanced his already disturbing appearance. Calmly, Dusty reached to his left and grabbed a pitcher which still retained about a quarter of the beer it began with. He brought the beer to his face and after a wink he filled the pitcher with a fast but steady stream of vomit. No loud noises were created and no one besides myself and Dusty knew what had just transpired.

                I asked “You alright?” and he simply nodded calmly placing the pitcher down in its original spot. The vomit filled pitcher remained there for a few minutes without anyone noticing and with myself still in shock before Dusty again reached for the pitcher as if he were about to pour himself a drink, brought it to his face and in a similar manner to turning on a faucet refilled the pitcher to about the three quarters mark. Again no noise but this time Harry noticed and looked just as shocked as me. Dusty placed the pitcher back on the table without even making a face at what he had just done. Harry insisted he go to the bathroom to collect himself and Dusty returned a short time later, still calm as if nothing had happened. Of course when the manager came to the table, it appeared something had happened when Dusty went to the bathroom. The calm and steady faucet of puke had lost his composure and accuracy in the restroom resulting in what the manager referred to as a “the worst fucking mess since the exorcist”

                The manager then politely suggested that Dusty needed “get the fuck out of here”. Dusty maintained his calm demeanor stood up, fixed his appearance and with the manager glaring, attempted to chug his beer. The manager said “No, No, No” and Dusty with the only emotion I had seen since he started puking, showed slight annoyance at leaving the drink and calmly began to leave.

                Like any good friend would do, we watched him leave, drank his beer, hid his vomit filled pitcher under the table and had a pretty good night.

Drinker’s Hall of Fame: Bill "The Fox" Foster

Drinker’s Hall of Fame

Bill “The Fox” Foster

An entertainer based out of Southern California, The Fox gained his fame singing inappropriate drinking songs and challenging the audience to chugging contest. He toured the world and even operated his own tavern in Santa Monica until 1989.

His mainstream prominence came from his role as Master of Ceremony on the Comedy Central television show “The Man Show” with Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Corolla. He drank, he sang with the audience and of course he drank. Holding the title “Fastest Beer Drinker in the World” throughout his long career, his placement in the Drinkers Hall of Fame is an easy decision.

Citation

For being the fastest beer drinker in the world, Bill “The Fox” Foster is hereby entered into the Drinkers Hall of Fame

Thurber, Jon. "Bill 'the Fox' Foster; Master of Bawdy Songs and Guzzling Beer." Los Angelas Times, 20 May 2000. Web. 11 Sept. 2015.

Rum: A Short History

Rum: A Short History

                Rum seems to be the drink of choice for seafarers and any other group of people where the ocean is a lifestyle. The sugarcane based concoction has origins in India but the Caribbean is where Rum truly came into its own. At the height of exploration and colonization of the Americas, Rum was the drink of choice; it filled the bellies of conscripted sailors and fueled the spirits of legendary pirates. Even in the United States it was consumed in large quantities by the founders of this nation where it became the unofficial national drink before Whisky took over. Whether you enjoy Cuba Libres, Daiquiris, Bacardi Cocktails, Mai Tais, or the Hurricane, you will no doubt enjoy learning a bit more about the liquor known as Rum.

                Rum does have some obscure origins in India which suggest that Alexander the Great may have had some sugarcane based alcohol after his initial conquest there, but its true origins are based out of the colonies of the Caribbean. Rum was formed from the molasses of Sugar Cane, which was a highly popular crop within the tropical climate of the then British, Spanish and French Colonies. It became popular on ships due to its ability to last long trips after the water had gone bad, and was part of the rations in the British Navy until 1970. Rum did not garner a strong following in the home ports of Britain and France but, due to proximity to the Caribbean, the United States adopted Rum with open arms until the rise of whisky.

                Small distilleries grew into companies with Mount Gay Rum of Barbados claiming to be the oldest rum with its 1703 establishment, Appleton Estates of Jamaica officially beginning in 1749, and Bacardi (Originally in Cuba, now in Bermuda) forming over 100 years later in 1862. Bacardi has the prestige of being the number one current producer of Rum and that could be due to their successful history which boomed at the turn of the 20^th century. Rum Production in the modern era has expanded from the Caribbean to India, South America, and a few states in the US, namely Louisiana.

                Rum is as varied in taste as it is wide-ranging geographically.

Light Rum: sometimes referred to as silver or white rum, this type is clear and most neutral in flavor with little to aging. This type of rum became popular after Facundo Bacardi began distilling it in large quantities.

Gold Rum/Dark Rum/Black Rum: Rum that is aged in oak barrels and does not go through the extensive filtering process that light rum does. Rum can vary from relative short time with gold rum, medium length with dark rum, and extensive period of time for black rum. The taste in this type of rum is more pronounced, pungent and rich in taste.

Spiced Rum: Rum that is aged and given added spices for the increased flavor

Flavored Rum: Rum given flavor from fruits or other extracts

French: Rhum Agricole, This style of Rum comes from former French Colonies, and instead of being derived from Sugar Cane Molasses is derived from Sugar Cane Juice which gives rum a more floral taste

Cachaça: Some consider this a Rum others consider it a different liquor entirely, what you need to know in short is that it is exclusively distilled in Brazil from sugarcane juice and has a very licorice taste.

Brands

Bacardi, Don Q, Myers, Appleton Estates, Mount Gay, Malibu, Pusars, Sailor Jerrys, Captain Morgan, Bayou Rum, Doorly’s XO, Angostura, El Dorado, Rhum Agricole, Zacapa

Works Cited

·         "In the Beautiful Port City of Santiago De Cuba, a Small Family Enterprise Purchases a Distillery and Revolutionizes Rum-making on February 4, 1862." The Early Years. N.p., n.d. Web. 02 Sept. 2015

·         McFarland, Ben, and Tom Sandham. "Rum." Thinking Drinkers: The Enlightened Imbiber's Guide to Alcohol. N.p.: n.p., n.d. N. pag. Print.

·         Phillips, Roderick. Alcohol: A History. N.p.: n.p., n.d. 119-20. Print.